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The last few days have found me succumbing to the remembrances of 2008. It was as I tell everyone the worst year of my entire life. It passed up 1984 the year my first love, my Daddy died and 1995 the year my mother died. 2008 was the end of my last vestige of innocence. No matter what, I had always believed in the inherent goodness of people. That ended last year when I found out that after 9 years with my husband, the last 2 being stressful with the impending end of our relationship was a total stranger. It wasn’t enough that he tried to ruin my reputation both personally and professionally. It wasn’t enough he broke my spirit, broke my heart. It wasn’t enough to watch the life I had unravel around me like a ball of yarn. 2008 was the year I learned my husband had been lying to me from the first day we met and continued to lie to me until June 25, 2008.
That was the day that I found out my husband was HIV positive and Hepatitis C positive and had been since the day we met. As I type these words as I read these words it still hurts. No actually it angers me that a person that professed love to me and undying devotion could do this to another. I won’t go into the whole sordid story at this time but a year later I reflect on the changes in me. Of course I have been tested and by God’s grace I am negative on both counts (How you ask? Well I will leave that for another time). I am now on my own and back into the dating pool and I must say it has changed and not for the better. However I have changed also and not all for the better. My edges are sharper. I am tougher. My softness is gone. I disbelieve. I know longer have faith in my judgment, so I am quick to think the worst. I am learning to lie more. My strength has always been my honesty with people but where did honesty get me but a life of lies? “I said what I meant and I meant what I said” and I thought that I attracted others that believed the same thing, my husband. I want to feel myself again. I don’t want to give this man who deserves nothing, everything. How do I learn to trust again? How do I believe again?
copyright September 24, 2009
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